Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
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I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.