Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
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Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Oh the world we live in…
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like