As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???