[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Zack Greinke stories are the best