I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
You Might Also Like
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now