CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
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Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
felt that
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner