“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
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🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.