(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
God has left this place
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!