doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Why do my kids have Veteran鈥檚 Day off, they haven鈥檛 done shit.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me: it鈥檚 just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that鈥檚 a ladle
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that鈥檚 beautiful
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 馃憥.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I鈥檓 crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.