The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
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Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
seems fine
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
it’s the silliest best thing
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.