Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
WTF IS THAT!
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.