Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
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*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..