“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
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Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?