okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?