You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.