The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.