In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
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My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
What the hell happened in there??
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
everyone’s a critic
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”