I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
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OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!