Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
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Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.