ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Pot warmers of the day.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Ugh but profoundly
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.