Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me too door. Me too.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.