If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
You Might Also Like
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends