In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
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if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]