[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.