good work, everybody
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.