Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Maths meets science