Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.