My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
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Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?