When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
You Might Also Like
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
when the buffet is more honest than your date
You are not alone 💚
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!