*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
You Might Also Like
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.