Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Mad Max Arctic Road
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.