H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
You Might Also Like
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.