[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich