Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
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She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.