Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
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Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
These are my roll models.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’m crying im so happy for them
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated