I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
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So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
☺️
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots