What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.