Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My neck my back my allergy attack
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.