if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
You Might Also Like
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I want this so bad
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers