A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”