Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower