I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
You Might Also Like
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times