my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
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Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”