Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
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So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.