This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
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Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
smartest karate player in the world
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!