Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Happy weekend !
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.