i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
This checks out
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.