Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too