me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.