What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.